Happy Anniversary Mike Toub, How We Got to 25 Years

Today is our anniversary. How did we get to 25 years, Mike has a lot of patience.

How did we get from there to here. I wrote on FB: Whenever anyone ever asks how did we make it 25 years, I tell them it’s thanks to Mike’s parents Eleanor Toub and Jerry Toub. They were kind, patient, assertively loving, and had strong core values which they instilled in Mike. He’s genuinely one of the most caring and concerned people I know. Both his parents were teachers, and were used to de escalating meltdowns by hot headed Irish guys like me, no really it’s hard to argue with Mike unless you do it unemotionally with facts and common sense, LOL. Mike’s always there for me, especially as I navigate the uncertainty, sadness and triumphs of life. AND come on it’s not lost on me on how easy on the eyes the guy is, he just keeps getting better looking as we grow older. I love you Michael Toub. It’s been a great 25 years, and I look forward to spending our acorns in retirement. I’m a much better person than I imagine all those years ago when I pictured how my life would go.

Another Big Influence: For years we listened to Dr. Joy Browne who was on WORNYC. Dr. Joy gave us the tools that were instrumental in helping sustain our relationship in the early years, as well as today. She also helped us in ordinary day to day living when we were stuck on a problem whether it was work, or family issues. We started listening to her in 1995, and it continued until her untimely death August 27 2016, at age 71. (We randomly ran into Dr. Joy in Times Square in 2006)

Dr. Joy gave advice on how to have a long lasting relationship, as well as succeeding at other life relationships. Always good advice. One of the first rules we followed was the balance of money. Mike made much more money than I did at the time we met. I was a file clerk, so we divided chores and bills based on a 1/3 to 2/3 balance. We didn’t want the money factor to become an obstacle in our relationship. Then we assigned fines to the habits that annoyed us about each other, like Mike would always forget to shut the cabinets after getting a cup out, or I would leave my shoes in the living room. Each offense was $10 fine. It definitely worked, we were more aware of these habits and were able to break them, or definitely cut them back. Finally big one, we all have disagreements, and over 25 years you can have arguments that spin out of control with no clear path to resolving the issue. Dr. Joy told us about these arguments. She said assign a fun word for such an impasse, and use it, sparingly, and we did. In 25 years we might have used our word “Kangaroo” maybe 5 – 6 times. More in the first few years when the memories of single hood and “no responsibilities”, was fresh in my mind and the compromise factor of a relationship seemed like we were giving up too much of us; but using Kangaroo reminded me that these same issues I’m running away, would arise in the next relationship as well. Kangaroo was a tool to remind of us why we were drawn to each other, why we fell in love, and the goals we were working towards. – Kangaroo meant we had to drop the subject. We could not bring it up again. We could not try and solve it. An argument which would invoke a kangaroo was an emotional, heated argument, a division on an opinion. – We eventually came up with another word, “Kuala”, there’s so cute. That word is used when we have a smaller argument, or disagreement. Used most often after an argument, or during a small argument. When used you can just accept the other person apologizing and go on with your life. Or you can table the argument for 24 hrs and if you want to bring it up again you can. It works, if you work it. xoxox HughE & Mike 1994 going forward…